Yea yea. Another emo post. Sorry I’m going all heavy on you guys. If you’re lucky I’ll throw in a pug pic at the end to appease you all.
So last night, after I posted, after RHONJ, after B got home from playing poker… I broke down. I am really stressed and unhappy with a lot in my life. I feel great about my husband and my marriage, and of course my family… but I miss home. And having friends. And what affects me worst… the green jealousy monster.
Ok not THAT monster, but you all know what I mean.
I hate how small our house is for us. We cannot afford to sell and move though, and we certainly can’t afford anything bigger. (And I cannot feel bad for most of my friends who also complain… ours is 800 sq ft., two bedroom one bath. I don’t know anyone with a house that small.) I see our friends and coworkers moving up to bigger and better homes and feel absolutely green. The same goes for anyone who doesn’t have to have a second job. I feel resentful of anyone who gets to go home after a day of work, see their spouse, and stay there. Like, angry resentful. I miss my family. I feel like I work a lot harder than a lot of people who make a lot more. I miss having friends. I’ve had some disappointments lately with some of my “friends” here and feel very on the outs and ostracized. (I say “friends” with quotations because while there are many nice girls who date/are married to Big Daddy’s friends, but none ever hang out with me solo or invite me to things. They have their own friends since they grew up here.) I miss having a social life, quitting at 5 for the day, coming home to a place that makes you feel secure and happy.
I broke down and cried. Dirty sobbing cries that felt good to let out but didn’t really give relief. B tried to give solutions and help but all I wanted to do was throw myself a pity party. I guess I feel like, I’ve done everything right, I’ve tried hard, finished college early, worked my butt off… and how am I not succeeding? Why do these other people get to have the things I want? I hate feeling on the edge, paycheck to paycheck. I crave security. I want to go back to when I wasn’t an adult and didn’t have to worry about things like cars that are upside down and the real estate problems.
I emailed my Twinner (remember her?) today and vented. She helps me get past these things or at least put them in perspective. Twinner said a lot that helped me. In the midst of my busy day, she truly did put me in perspective. The thing that resonated most with me was this:
“I know this is repeating things I have said before. But the only way to truly be content in your circumstances is to turn your thoughts to God. His word tells us OVER and OVER that this world has nothing to offer us. We will always want, we will always need, we will battle envy, and no matter how hard we work and struggle, it will never be enough. I KNOW that sounds cheesy and not helpful, but it’s what I believe. And when I battle envy and feeling stuck in circumstances, I just pray about it. A lot. It’s the only thing you can do.”
I might not seem like the most Christian of people on the blog, but religion is a big part of my life. And I love it when someone says something that I already know in a way that makes me look at it in a new way. Like Twinner did. She is seriously, seriously the best and I hope you all have a friend like her.
Something I talked about with my Twinner and my Hubby also was how I felt about my body. I feel like a lump. But I’m a picky eater, who loves to bake, and would rather spend her sparse free time blogging than working out.
When I met Big Daddy, I was about 50 pounds lighter. And four sizes smaller.
May 2007, the month Big Daddy and I were “official,” at a party together (although he is, clearly, not pictured.)
At the wedding on July 2nd 2010, and I’m looking very Jabba the Hutt-y.
What always worked for me in the past was Weight Watchers. I don’t have the time (or group of friends!) to go to meetings now, but they have Weight Watchers online available too. When we get paid, I think I am going to join. And for working out, I hear great things about the Wii Fit, and am looking for a used one since we already have a Wii system.
I am hoping I can get back on track with at least the one thing I can control- my image and my health. Anyone have any luck with the things I’ve talked about? And does anyone else feel pinned down or “stuck” by things that are hard in your life?
PS here’s a cute pug pic as promised, from the archives… Halloween 2008, “Three Pugmigos.”
(Back when I had time to craft! Ha!)