A Variety of Open Letters

9 09 2010

I am home alone tonight while B does manly football watching things. I am without alcohol and without stuffing. I am already wearing PJs, and don’t want to change, which means I will not be getting alcohol or stuffing. Since that would make me *that* girl in red pajama pants and a Led Zeppelin shirt buying booze and stuffing. No thanks.

This situation makes me surly.

So why not bitch a little, right?

I have a variety of (much shorter than last time) open letters to entities that make me mad. Do you even REMEMBER last time, Papa John’s? Because I do.

In a similar vein…

An Open Letter to Hot Box Pizza:

I bragged about you on this blog. Twice. So when B and I really needed a pizza last week, it was quite rude of you to show up late. You’re usually not more than ten minutes late, ever. You are a responsible pizza place.

But what really yanked my chain? You gave us regular crust. The literal only reason I agreed to get pizza was because I was promised thin crust. I ate my stupid regular crust pizza then tweeted my disappointment. Hot Box, you’re normally pretty awesome at tweeting and have even returned my tweets in the past.

Not this time.

I think this is a sign that B and I need to stop ordering pizza.

Hungrily,

KJ

An Open Letter to Skyline Chili:

I don’t give a crap if you brought your recipe over from Greece. Your old-world recipes don’t impress me.

BECAUSE THEY CONTAIN CINNAMON.

There should be a warning on the door. I smelled cinnamon for like 6 hours after leaving your restaurant.

Please adjust your recipe accordingly whenever I’m around.

Disgustedly,

KJ

An Open Letter to Apple Computer:

I purchased my iPhone April 1. April 15 you announced your new iPhone, and then had them available June 24. I did this to mine the day prior, so I know.

I wish you had informed me that you are like every other cell phone company. The $199 price for the iPhone 4? Only available to new customers or those eligible for upgrades. Which I will not be eligible for until 2012. Unless I want to drop $499 or so.

But thanks, Apple employee, for letting me know that I can sell my 3G on ebay “for like, $700.” I can barely get someone to offer $100 for it. But an international ebay sale sounds safe.

Also nice to tell me that I could have just returned it and repurchased it continuously until the new one came out, in order to eventually trade up to the 4. Good thing to find out five months after our initial purchase.

I just want to do facetime with my mom and sister, Apple. Don’t you have like, a bajillion spare dollars in some poor person fund, to help people like me, nearly 700 miles from their families, have facetime with them?

I’m waiting! (Until 2012, probably.)

Technologically Frustrated,

KJ

An Open Letter to People With Horrendous Grammar, Spelling, or Similar:

You should have learned proper grammar and spelling in fifth grade. Or before.

Listen, we all make mistakes sometimes. (And if I do, please for the love of all that is spelling HOLY, email me and let me know.) But using “alot” as one word, or mixing up “there, their and they’re” frequently, or throwing around extraneous apostrophes… it’s inexcusable.

If you realize your shortcoming (I am so sorry your drunken step-grandma home-schooled you until you were 23) and accept criticism, then you’re okay by me. Marginally. But if you defend yourself and your poorly punctuated ways, you just sound like me trying to argue why 7th grade JV cheerleading is a sport, since I couldn’t run a lap to save my life, but wanted to qualify as an “athlete.” (Seriously… some people get mad when you complain about bad grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc! Crazy people!)

Don’t even get me started on Ebonics. If I can’t understand you, I will either open-mouth stare at you or laugh in your face.

If you are a professional business… you just kissed my patronage goodbye. I have a mental list of these places. I will not be purchasing any “ice cream sundae’s” in the conceivable future. Extraneous quotation marks about your “clearance sale” where everything is “25%” off apply as well. Bye bye, my business!

Oh, and I plan on purchasing this book. And dedicating my perusing of it to all of you.

Shocked and Stunned,

KJ

Well that was fun. How nice to have those letters off my chest. Too bad I still don’t have stuffing or booze.

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15 responses

9 09 2010
Jessica

Thin crust is the best. Screw them. I’m now going to go proof read my entire blog… LOL

9 09 2010
Em

Hahahahahaha I’m so glad I read this now on my iPhone instead of waiting til I could get to a computer. This is one of your all-time best posts. I’m totally going to read it again when I can appropriately lol by myself. Haha all I can really say is I love you and I’m glad I know you šŸ™‚

9 09 2010
Layla

I have some people/businesses you can write letters to, if those typing guns are for hire?

10 09 2010
Brandi

Seriously, I have a few letters I could write. I’ll just add my name to the bottom of yours to People With Horrendous Spelling, Grammar, or Similar. Petition-style!

10 09 2010
megan

I was right, you are adoreable mad! šŸ™‚ And thank goodness for spell check lol! You rock lady!

PS, I go to the liquor store all the time in my pjs. I think they think I have a problem HA!

10 09 2010
Jenell

Go on with your bad self! One of my biggest pet peeves too is the their, there, they’re. Also too and to and effect and affect. I’m know I’m been guilty of not proofing before blogging. Trying to watch that. Happy Friday!

10 09 2010
Katie

Don’t…get…me…started…on…poor…grammar! My biggest pet peeve EVER is when people say sneak peak instead of sneak peek. Oh my freaking gosh…it makes my BLOOD BOIL. Wtf people…

10 09 2010
Kelley

OMG this was sooo funny!!! This is why I love you so much because you are so blunt!! I’m sorry I spaced out in 5th grade when Mrs. M taught me grammer and spelling. She gave us a folder with three flaps. The first flap had the word. next we had to sleep it the way we thought was correct and then spell it the right way under the thirs flap.. wellll i just wrote them all correct, therefore I still can’t spell to this day!!! and grammer… hmmm I suck at it LOL

My fav pic was the hot box one:)
Thank you open letters!

10 09 2010
Nikki Halcomb

Hi there! I am the resident tweeter/customer service/social media lady for HotBox. I’m so sorry to hear about your terrible experience! I remember your tweets here and there, but for some reason the last one slipped past me. I’m SO sorry!

Shoot me an email at nikki@gethotboxpizza.com. Let us make it up to you? Please?

10 09 2010
Laura L

Not only was this post hilarious, but then all of your pictures you included with it cracked me up! šŸ™‚ Good one K$!

10 09 2010
Smtty

This was so much fun to read!

My comment was getting too long, so I made an entire post dedicated to my response! http://just-another-smith.blogspot.com/2010/09/response-to-kjpugs.html

10 09 2010
Smtty

Guess who re-responded (is that a word?)?! I did! Thanks for being just plain awesome.

And can you PLEASE do more hilarious pictures like the ones in this post? Too funny!

10 09 2010
Ali @ His Birdie's Nest

I big puffy heart you Twitter BFF šŸ™‚

12 09 2010
Kelly

HAHA I LOVE THIS!! I love the one about spelling and grammar. I took a picture of a sign from the Mexican Buffet line on the cruise and it said “Shrimps”. The lady (who worked on the ship) looked at me weird for taking a picture of the sign and I politely told her I thought it was funny they said “shrimps” on the sign. She looked confused so I said that the plural of shrimp is still shrimp. Hmph.

13 09 2010
mkmd

I die. This is HILARIOUS.

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